Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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