College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
