apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
