I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
