I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
