you will always have a special place in my vag
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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