There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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