wrigley field is MILF paradise
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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