dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
