I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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