I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
