I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
