My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
