Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
