it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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