my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
