I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
