Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
