i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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