my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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