Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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