and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize