upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize