do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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