My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize