I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
