I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
