he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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