Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
