Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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