i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
