after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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