I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize