look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
