So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
