I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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