as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
