I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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