nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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