i just had sex bonerless
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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