Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
