He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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