We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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