the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
sarcasm needs its own font
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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