You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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