There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
