Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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