can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Quick, to the slutcave!
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
