I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
