when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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