sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
