It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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