pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
