i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
