at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
