my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
