Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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